Loving a growing body

IMG_0435_v2_cropI haven’t posted a lot of body positive stuff in a while and I want to talk about that for a moment now that it’s no longer a secret that I have a bun in the oven.

A few months before I got pregnant I started gaining some weight – and then some more during pregnancy (naturally). And while I think all bodies are beautiful no matter their size, I did have some mixed feelings about my body changing. It’s not always easy to notice and address my emotions while I’m in the midst of it all, but it’s more clear to me now that I get some distance to it.

I didn’t realize at first that the weight was bothering me at all. I felt fine with the person looking back at me in the mirror and wasn’t hating my body or anything. But the thing is, I haven’t been too keen on showing it off either. It’s been fine as long as it’s hidden under large sweaters and some loose fitting pants, but it has felt a little icky once the clothes got removed.

You don’t have to be comfortable with showing your naked body to the whole world to be body positive. Loving your body does not mean the same thing for everybody. It will look different for each of us. But I know what it means to me and I love to take pictures of my naked body and have never been embarrassed to show it off so for me to suddenly feel uncomfortable with that means it’s time for me to check in with myself and see if everything is ok. And to be completely honest it hasn’t been.

As a Non Binary person that struggles with dysphoria from time to time, having my body changing in a way that emphasise my feminine features has been challenging. My belly is getting larger every day, and so is my breasts – which is the most difficult part for me. I’ve desperately wanted to be one of those pregnant people who embrace their changing bodies and feels beautiful all the time, and I’m working on it. I’m just not quite there yet.

What’s great though is it only took me to realize, acknowledge and accept that within myself for the negative feelings to slowly start to fade. Body acceptance and self love is not something that happens over night, it’s a journey. And that is ok.

I’ve started experimenting with taking some photos of myself again, and it’s helping a lot with regaining my confidence and body positive attitude. On the pictures bellow I tried to make art out of my difficult emotions towards my body by embodying the darkness within.

My body was different half a year ago than it is today. My body will continue to change in the time to come. But by not attaching myself to what I looked liked 6 months ago or what I looks like today, I can try to embrace the changes that is to come. My body will take me on a weird and wonderful journey this year, and I’m gonna try my best to love and accept it as much as I can. I just need to have some patience.

Two pink lines

IMG_0449_smalBoom! There they were. The two bright pink lines. It was positive. FUCK.

My heart was raising, my head started spinning and I felt like I was floating outside my body for a moment. Could this really be true? No, it had to be a faulty test. It said on the package that I should take the test in the morning and now it was late evening so that was probably why it had failed. I knew that could happen from time to time so I had bought a backup just in case. I decided to wait until the next morning to take the second test, trying to assure myself it would turn out negative.

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So before I continue the story, let me provide you with some context.

For many years before this I was completely sure I did not want children. They’re cute and everything, but they’re also A LOT of work. I had watched other people I knew having children and not being able to go out and have fun with friends, party, going on spontaneous trips and so on. I wanted to keep my freedom and the thought of giving up 18+ years of my life to raise a child did not make me go wild with excitement in any way. No thank you.

As some of you may remember, I started this blog after becoming single in January last year. My life had just taken a 180 and I wanted to share my thoughts and reflections during this new chapter of my life. At this time I was living my best life, going on dates, meeting new people all the time, hooking up with strangers, partying a lot, and just enjoying life.

Fast forward a couple of months, I met this guy. He was funny and a real weirdo just like myself, so naturally we clicked almost instantly. For many months we were just friends having fun, nothing serious. I planned on keeping it that way, (after all I was enjoying my new single lifestyle) but as time passed by and this guy never really left my apartment, our friendship slowly and dynamically progressed into a relationship. And juuuust as we got to the point of kinda being a couple, the two pink lines appeared. Let’s resume the story:

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The next morning came and I ran into the bathroom to take the test. Almost instantly two pink lines appeared once again. I woke my boyfriend up, (who the day before had gone completely pale and lost for words upon receiving the news) to tell him about the result before rushing of to work. Let’s just say it was far from my most productive day at the office. I spent hours going over the situation a hundred times, calculating how this could have happened.

I was on the pill, but ran out of pills right before going on a holiday in France with my family, and planned on getting new pills as soon as I got home. When I walked into my apartment upon arriving back home my boyfriend had created an incredible romantic setting with candles and rose petals, and had my favorite Beatles song playing in the background. He had even bought me a gift, vegan candy and had made the cutest card. I mean come on, if that doesn’t make you wanna do the dance with no pants I don’t know what will. One time will probably be fine, I mean, what’s the risk?

Turns out having unprotected sex is kinda like taking the bus without buying a ticket. You might be lucky and get a free ride but it can get really fucking expensive if it doesn’t work out as planned.

I had been so sure for such a long time that I didn’t want children. I thought that if I ever got pregnant I most likely would end up getting an abortion. But it felt like something changed in me once the two lines appeared on the second test. A huge change of perspective. Kind of like the universe or my inner voice was telling me that this was a part of the journey of awakening. An important task in my life that I needed to complete. I felt an overwhelming sense of trust in this guiding force and I knew I would be ok. So when my boyfriend decided he was in on this baby thing there was no doubt in my mind. We were doing this.

I’m currently halfway in my pregnancy and now that the big shock is over I’m very excited for the journey ahead. I’m looking forward to see what she (we recently found out it’s most likely a girl) will teach me, as well as teaching her everything about life, love and how beautiful the world can be if you choose to see the positive sides of things. It’s all about perspective.